


What Is Darkness?

by im_alive_grace



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Friendship, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Team, Rape Recovery, Team as Family, Unsub | Unknown Subject
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:53:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25760920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/im_alive_grace/pseuds/im_alive_grace
Summary: Hotch isn't the type to reach out for help. Instead he does the helping. But everyone has breaking points and what will the team think when they learn what actually happened when Foyet targeted Hotch?
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & The BAU Team
Comments: 6
Kudos: 102





	What Is Darkness?

**Author's Note:**

> TW for mentions of rape. It isn't graphic, but please understand the fanfic revolves around the topic and might be hard to read for some people.

The girl had just turned twenty one. She had planned on spending the weekend with her friends in an air bnb getting plastered. But instead she was stopped in the parking lot of the liquor store she had stopped at before meeting up with her friends. He was handsome and kind. She wasn’t intimidated by him. She willingly entered into a conversation with him. 

Then a needle was in her neck and she was passing out. 

She woke up a day later in a public park. It was dark and her body was aching. She didn’t know where she was. Her eyesight was blurry and her legs were weak. But she screamed for help. 

An old couple across the street heard her. They sat with her on the grass trying to figure out what happened. When they learned that she wasn’t coherent enough to communicate with them they called the cops. 

They watched the news everyday and said she might be the missing girl they were looking for. 

Hours had gone by and Alicia had a better understanding of everything that happened. Her memories coming back to her now that the drug was out of her system. 

She sat in an interrogation room. The FBI agents stressed that she was not in trouble, but this was the only way to give her the privacy she’ll need for the conversation she’s going to have. 

-

Aaron Hotchner watched the young girl through the two way mirror. This was like other sexual assault cases they encounter. The UnSub will mess up and have one victim get away. Alicia was lucky. But he’d never say that, he didn’t even really think it. The UnSub didn’t use the right dosage of ketamine to ruin the girls memories or even kill her. Instead she knew everything. 

After Foyet though he felt different. He felt an obligation of sorts to reach out to the people affected by sexual assault. Even when he knows he might not be the best voice. He needs to try. 

“She’s in denial.” JJ said. “I talked to her briefly before she was tested at the hospital. She won’t admit to the assault.” 

“Most don’t at first.” Hotch said. “She’s ashamed. We have to show her that there’s nothing to be ashamed about.” 

“Do you want me to talk to her?” Emily said. 

“I’ll do it.” Hotch said. 

Emily furrowed her brows. Hotch typically had the woman talk to woman when it dealt with sexual assault. He understands that most women feel more comfortable in the presence of a woman rather than a man in those moments. 

“We’ll be posted out here then.” JJ said. “The rest of the team is investigating the scene. Hopefully this will be all we need to pinpoint this man.” 

JJ could read Hotch better than Emily. After the years they had worked together it only made sense. Hotch was determined to be in that room. He wanted to be the one that pulled the investigation for this one. Even though he made sure each case was done by the team, he was leading this one. Emily couldn’t always see Hotch the same way JJ did. Maybe it was because Emily and Hotch were more similar than either would like to admit. Or maybe it was just time. But JJ made sure that Emily wouldn’t push to be the integrator in this situation. 

Hotch slowly walked out of the room. He felt a small tingle in his fingertips. He took a deep breath, hoping to wade it off. But it seemed determined to stay. 

Alicia looked up from her spot to see Hotch. Her pupils dilated slightly. But other than that she showed no signs of distress. Hotch though felt his heart hammering in his chest. 

“Alicia. I’m SSA Aaron Hotchner. There are a few questions I’d like to ask you.” Hotch said. 

“That woman...I think her name was JJ already talked to me.” She said. 

“Do you mind if I sit?” Hotch said. 

The girl shook her head. She held Hotch's gaze. The girl was tough. Even his own team at times couldn’t look at him for long periods of time. He had tried to soften himself though. He tried to think about Jack and how much he loves him. He tries to think about dinners with the team and how he laughs. He tries to think about Haley even though they are separated. All things that make him kinder. He hoped that reflected in his stare. 

Hotch sat across from the girl. She hadn’t showered. Her hair was dirty. Her skin was pale, but muddled with grim. They should’ve given her time to clean herself. He had wished he could’ve showered. But even when he did it didn’t make him feel any cleaner. Hotch supposed she would feel the same. 

“Can you tell me what the man looked like.” Hotch said. 

“He was tall. Really tall and lanky. He had blonde hair that was to his chin. It was slightly curly too. And he had blue eyes. Soft and dull in color. He kind of reminded me of a surfer boy. If you know what I mean.” Alicia said. 

“Did anything about him stand out to you?”

“No. He just came off to me as the type of guy I would talk to at college. Someone who would walk me home after class.” 

They had already gathered a profile on the UnSub. But it was becoming clearer. Especially once they get a sketch artist in. 

“Now, can you tell me anything you can remember about the kidnapping.” Hotch said. 

“You're not going to say it. Are you?” Alicia said. 

“Say what?” 

“Rape. Everyone keeps telling me this but that didn’t happen to me.” 

Alicia held Hotch's gaze. It was almost amazing. At this moment Hotch wanted to drop it. He wanted to look away from her. He wanted to let her believe it. But he knew that the memory was replaying in her head. She doesn’t forget the feeling of it. She never would. 

“We often think that if we deny the truth it’ll eventually stop being the truth. But that’s not how this works.” Hotch said. “We don’t get to pick if we get raped or not. And no denial will prevent that.” 

“How would you know?” She said. 

“Because I’m like you Alicia.” Hotch said. “I didn’t tell anyone for a long time. I didn’t even let the doctors put it in my report because I knew my team would know. I was embarrassed and ashamed that it happened to me. But the longer I kept silent the worse the nightmares got. And eventually I couldn’t even sleep.” 

The girl's face softened. No longer was there the hardness in her eyes or the tightness in her brow or the pinch in her lips. She still watched Hotch. But it wasn’t determination, it was a look for help. 

“What did you do?” She asked. 

“I started seeing a therapist. They recommend I have a journal. So now I write. Sometimes it’s about the rape or about bad memories, but most times it’s not. At least not anymore. Now I write about the things that make my life better.” Hotch said. 

“And you're good now?” 

“Alicia...I won’t lie. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person I was before it happened. But I’m getting better everyday.” Hotch said. “And I can make sure you get the help you need. But I need you to tell me what happened.” 

She was silently crying. Tears were streaming down her round checks. Her eyes were shining though and not just from the wetness. 

“I know it’s hard. But by doing this you’ll be helping yourself and you’ll also be making sure that man doesn’t hurt anymore girls.” Hotch said. 

Alicia reached her hand across the table and Hotch took it. He lightly squeezed it and gave her a small smile. She spoke and he listened to everything she had to say. 

-

JJ bit her bottom lip. The rest of had arrived awhile back. She wished she had told them to work on something else. Anything else. She could sense where the conversation was going the moment Hotch sat down. JJ just didn’t know what to think or to believe. They had rules they always followed. Hotch did it and enforced them more than anyone. Honesty was so important. 

But what bothered JJ more than anything is if he was telling the truth. Because what kind of people is the team, is she, if they didn’t know. 

Morgan drummed his fingers on the concrete wall. It was a telling sign. He had known or gathered something was off with Hotch for a while. He didn’t react like the others to the news. Instead he barely reacted. He didn’t gasp like JJ or curse like Emily. He didn’t ask questions to the others like Reid and didn’t try to answer them like Rossi. Instead he kept quiet because it’s what Hotch wanted. He didn’t want attention for this. 

Rossi could tell that Emily and Reid were upset. Both for different reasons though. Reid was upset with himself. Because he thought he should’ve known. He always took it personally when a teammate was hurting and he didn’t know. He had a need to make sure everyone was ok. 

Emily was pissed at Hotch. He had seen Hotch lose his temper at agents in all fields when they lied. She had gotten in trouble for it before. She knew the man thought highly of himself. Emily just didn’t think to the extent where the rules he implied don’t affect him. 

Rossi tried to be like JJ and Morgan. They had kept mostly calm. But there was an unease in Rossi because he couldn’t read Hotch. He couldn’t tell if he was being honest or not. And it led him to pace the room. He had known Hotch longer than anyone else on the team. And there was either a lack of trust or a lack of character understanding. Both didn’t feel right to Rossi. He was the senior profiler. This shouldn’t happen when he’s here. 

Hotch stepped into the room. A tingling in his fingers was gone. His heart wasn’t racing anymore. He felt like they were closing in on the case. 

“What the hell was that?” Emily said. 

“What do you mean?” Hotch dead panned. 

“That act. That show in there.” 

Hotch took a moment to examine the room. A nervous energy was floating in the air. Rossi was fiddling with the ring on his finger, Reid’s eyes were bouncing around the room, Morgan’s was avoiding him, JJ’s eyes were wide with concern and Emily was tight with anger. Hotch reflected on what he had said in that room and what he had lacked to say to them. 

“If you are implying that I lied to her I hoped you thought a little more highly of me Prentiss.” Hotch said. “I take this job seriously and I would never jeopardize a victims trust.” 

Hotch left the room without another word. There were more important things to be done than linger on hurt feelings and unsaid thoughts. 

-

When cases ended on a rather positive note the plane ride home was buzzing. Emily and JJ would be gossiping, planning a girls night with Garcia. Reid and Morgan would play card games and discuss pop culture that one or the other doesn’t understand. Rossi would be sitting by the two boys, eavesdropping on the conversations in the plane. Sometimes playing cards or talking scotch with the girls. And Hotch would be Hotch. He would watch and smile. Because he’s bringing everyone home in a mostly good headspace. Sometimes he’d play poker or share a drink with Rossi or help the girls determine what bar they should hit up first. But mostly he watched and he wrote. 

He felt a bit distant from everyone else. It hasn’t always been that way. But it became harder to be close to them after Geidon left and Haley left and he knew the only way to stay on the team is to be the face of authority or Strauss would find a reason to relocate him. Hotch wanted what the rest of the team had together. But usually he didn’t get what he wanted. 

The plane was quiet today. Even though the case had ended with the man in custody and Alicia entering into a therapy group. Overall this was a good outcome. Yet the plane didn’t feel that. 

Hotch got on the plane last. He saw the only open spot. The one that was meant for him to sit down. JJ was spread across the couch, Emily was taking up the two seats in the front of the plane and Reid was across the aisle in a similar position. Rossi and Morgan sat by each other. Which left the seats opposite of them were open. Hotch didn’t ponder about the odd seating instead taking the spot by the window. And soon enough they were up in the air. 

He pulled a notebook out of his briefcase and started to detail out the positives of the day. Hotch could feel eyes on him though. And he soon couldn’t help but look up from his writing. 

“Is there something on the team's mind?” Hotch said. 

JJ sat up from her spot and Emily made her way to sit next to her. Reid took the open spot next to Hotch. There was a feeling of being trapped that was rushing through him. 

“It’s just that-“

“Emily.” Morgan said sternly. 

The brunette shut her mouth. She held her arms close to her body. Her hands close to her face in case she gets the urge to chew her nails. The openness was a vulnerability she was sharing. That was something Hotch couldn’t help but notice. 

“What are you writing?” Rossi said. 

Hotch sighed and shut the notebook, placing it on the table. 

“You have a good enough guess in your head. Let me hear it.” Hotch said. 

“You're proud of your team. We helped Alicia and we made sure that town doesn’t have a rapist anymore. You like the profile we built together. You like that Morgan and Reid captured the UnSub. You like that JJ kept the media calm and that Emily and I worked with the sheriff more effectively than usually.” Rossi said. 

“Correct. Now let’s drop this.” Hotch motioned to the group. 

Reid shuffled in his seat, looking over to Morgan. There was a moment of hesitation, a stutter of words. Hotch saw the slight nod of Morgan’s head. 

“But you also said that you write about the bad moments as well. And you're disappointed that your team doesn’t trust you to be honest while working with victims.” Reid said. 

“Incorrect.” Hotch said. 

“Wha-“

“I’m not disappointed in my team. I have always been honest with you guys when I think you succeed or decline.” Hotch said. “I’m disappointed in myself for separating myself so far from the group that all of you can’t trust me.” 

“Then why don’t you open up more. We’re here for each other, always will be.” JJ said. 

It was dark out. Hotch always liked when they flew in the dark. He got to see the world in a different way. The lights of cities being the only thing that stood out. Small towns looked big and cities looked huge. His thoughts on life often shift and he wonders how small he is compared to the world. He wonders if the work he does matters or if he’s helping a small fraction of who needs it. 

Sometimes he looks out upon the miles of darkness and thinks about who he used to be. Hotch sees his past as inaccessible as the darkness that comes with being miles above the earth's crust. It can be seen but it can’t be touched. 

“You're worried that if you act like the rest of the team you’ll be terminated from your job. And your worry is valid. But you're breaking Hotch. Even with therapy you feel alone.” Morgan said. “Trust us like we trust each other. Because if you don’t then it’s going to lead to you leaving this team all on your own.” 

Hotch fiddled with the ring that still sat on his finger. He didn’t know where Haley or Jack were. He had to hope they were safe and coping. They had each other and that was more than Hotch could ask for. 

“Gideon once told me I would be the death of myself. I work too much and I talk too little.” Hotch said. “It’s almost funny because the moment I woke up in the hospital the only thing on my mind was my cell phone. I wanted to know if we’d gotten called out.” 

Hotch took in a shaky breath. It’s true. When he had woken to a lack of team mates he knew something was wrong. He knew someone would’ve been there if they could. 

“I’m sorry.” Emily said. 

Hotch looked over at her. His eyebrows pulled together as he tried to process what she did wrong. 

“For doubting you. I should have known you better. I do know you better.” Emily said. 

“You don’t need to apologize-“

“I should’ve told the team to leave the room. I knew that something was wrong the moment you sat down with Alicia. I should’ve given you that privacy and I’m sorry.” JJ said. 

“It’s not-“

“You're one of my oldest friends and I never made that clear to you.” Rossi said. “If I’d been more open with you then you would’ve been more open with me. And maybe you would’ve felt comfortable enough to tell me what was wrong. I’m sorry for not being there for you.” 

“David-“

“I knew...I had a hunch. Because of what you did, how you acted, reminded me of myself. I thought you needed space and I was wrong. I’m sorry for letting it get worse when I could’ve done something.” Morgan said. 

“You can’t blame-“

“I should’ve known. I should’ve seen the signs. I should’ve been asking if you were alright. I should’ve been pushing you for answers.” Reid said. “I know when people are falling apart. I saw it in Elle and Gideon but I didn’t even think to look at you the way I looked at them. I’m sorry for not actually seeing you.” 

“Spence...” 

Hotch's eyes were glistening. He wasn’t crying. The last time Hotch cried was when Jack was born. But he did feel the tears building up. He hadn’t felt cared for in weeks. He hadn’t felt loved in weeks. He always knew his family cared and loved him, but he just didn’t allow himself to feel it until now. 

His defensive side wanted to flare up. He wanted to explain why each of his teammates' feelings were invalid and an apology wasn’t necessary. He wanted to sooth them because he didn’t want them to feel responsible for what George Foyet did to him. But he knew that’s not why they told him those decelerations. They showed vulnerability with him so he could feel safe doing the same. 

“Along with the stabbing...Foyet raped me.” Hotch said. 

Hotch watched them. He had to see the reactions of his teammates. Therapy had tried to teach him there was nothing to be ashamed of, but he couldn’t help to wonder if there was. He was the unit chief for the BAU. He was supposed to be strong and smart and manly. This wasn’t supposed to happen to him. 

Emily grabbed onto JJ’s hand. Her eyes were locked onto Hotch, a deepness to them that wasn’t often there. Emily was too much like him at times. Hiding things that didn’t need to be hidden. But the reflection she was showing through her eyes at this moment was welcoming. JJ had tears running down her face. And there was a motherly part of her coming off. A wanted to reach out to him and squeeze his shoulder and tell him they would figure everything out. He could read it on her face. The need to help. 

Rossi was always calm. Even when he should be losing his mind. It was something Hotch admired at times. It was something he appreciated. If he acted any other way at this moment Hotch wouldn’t know how to read him. He wouldn’t know how to process the situation. The calmness was good and Hotch felt as if it was sleeping through him. Morgan was emotional. He never fears showing exactly what he’s feeling. Morgan was close to crying. His hands were shaking. Hotch started to reach his hand across the table. Wanting to assure Morgan things would be fine now. 

But he felt Reid slam him into a hug. The young boy was gripping onto him. He could feel Reid’s heart hammering. He pulled him close and finally closed his eyes. The last time he hugged Reid was when he was kidnapped by Tobais. It was something they had together. A relationship Hotch could only describe as fatherly. He fears back then that he was losing Reid, losing a son. And he knew at this moment Reid had feared he was losing a father. 

Hotch again thought about the darkness and if it really was untouchable. Kids fear the dark for reasons they can’t explain. They can’t comprehend that the dark isn’t what’s scary, it’s the lack of knowing that’s there. It wasn’t that Hotch couldn’t touch his past self, it’s that he didn’t know if he could. At this moment he knew that he could because he has a family that would go through hell to make sure he does. 

-

Epilogue 

A tin of cookies sat on his desk when the team arrived back. He smiled to himself. The team agreed to spend the rest of the night together. It was almost ten and Emily and JJ both said “the night was still young”. Hotch wouldn’t describe it as that but he knew they could all do with some lightheartedness. 

“Sir.” Garcia said. 

Hotch looked from the tin of cookies to the tech analysts. The wildness of her outfits had become second nature and a silliness he had grown to love. She stood in the doorway. 

“Ginger snaps are my favorite.” Hotch said. 

“I know sir.” Garcia said. 

“You knew.” 

“The whole time.” 

“Thank you.” 

“For what sir?” 

Hotch took two cookies out of the tin and handed one to Garcia. She took the cookie but didn’t go to eat it. Instead she kept her stance. A slight confused stance, but still confident. 

“For the constant treats. For the silly toys that somehow make it to my desk. The links you email to me of puppies and kittens. The not so subtle way you ask if I’m alright.” Hotch said. “And for not telling anyone because you knew I wasn’t ready.” 

Garcia smiled at him. 

“Your welcome Hotch.” She said. “The rest of the team is waiting for us. We better get going before they see I made you cookies and none for them.” 

Hotch walked up to her and put his hand around her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. He didn’t plan on having more kids than Jack. But he knew he’d want to raise a little girl to be just like Penelope. 

“These are cookies that are too good to not get jealous of.” Hotch said as he took a bite out of the snap. 

The team stood in the bullpen chatting idly. Him and Garcia made their way down to the group. He had heard about the three girls party nights. Hotch wasn’t one to get wasted. But anytime he could spend outside of work with his team he would appreciate it to the fullest. He wanted to be their friends, their family.

**“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.”**

**― Og Mandino**

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This has been on my mind for a couple weeks now because it was so heavily hinted but never actually explored in the show. 
> 
> Also for anyone who read my other CM fanfic just know I am working on a sequel! I don't know when it'll be done, just know its on the way.
> 
> Thanks for reading and please tell me what you thought of it!


End file.
